|
Just For Laughs
~~~ Boy Scout Survival Tips ~~~
A Scout Master was teaching his Boy Scouts about survival in the desert.
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested, such as food, matches, etc.
Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.
"Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.
Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.
"Well,
sir, as soon as you start playing solitaire, someone is bound to
come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of
that black ten!"
Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
~~~ Male Language Patterns ~~~
(I personally think that some of these can also apply to teenagers too, especially the first one!! hahaha)
"I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my
outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"That's women's work," REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty, difficult and
thankless."
"Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates have moved
out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"It's a guy thing," REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational thought
pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of
making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?" REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already on
the table?"
"It would take too long to explain," REALLY MEANS, "I have no
idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS, "The batteries
in the remote are dead."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard," REALLY MEANS, "I
can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear," REALLY MEANS, "Are you still
talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love," REALLY
MEANS, "I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me," REALLY MEANS,
"You want me to stay awake."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal," REALLY
MEANS, "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death
before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house," REALLY MEANS, "I once threw a dirty
towel near the laundry basket."
"I heard you," REALLY MEANS, "I haven't the foggiest clue what
you just said, and I am hoping desperately that I can fake it well
enough so that you don't have to repeat it!"
"I missed you," REALLY MEANS, "I can't find my sock drawer, the
kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
Note** Some or all of these may or may not apply to your mate.
Sometimes
we have to take a little time to laugh at the truth about the common
traits of human nature as men and women, that we share. We mean
no offense!
A NEIGHBORHOOD MAN
A neighborhood man I had seen before
Was knocking one morning on my front door.
He heard that Jesus would really return,
And that his salvation he could not earn.
I told him I loved him --- Jesus did, too.
And what he had heard was certainly true.
I told him I?d show him just what He said
Before that sad day when His blood was shed.
I reached for my bible and heard him sigh,
And now there was formed a tear in his eye;
He then mentioned a girl who just last week
Had tried to lead him --- her Jesus to seek.
Another good saint had planted a seed,
And now this sinner was soon to be freed;
He knelt on the sidewalk and bowed his head,
And then he uttered this prayer by me led.
He said, ?Dear Jesus, I know I?ve done wrong;
I have been a lost sinner much too long.
Forgive me now Lord, and build me a home,
From which I need never, evermore roam.
?I know you can save all those who believe,
And now it is You I want to receive.
I know I can?t clean my own sins away
I trust you to do this for me today.
?And now dear Jesus, I?m ready to go,
Though just where it is I don?t really know.
I know that your heaven will be just grand ---
Better than places in this earthly land.
?I?ll live there as long as you are there too,
For what?s in the bible really is true.
I don?t deserve it but heaven I?ll see;
I?ll share your glory for eternity.
?Right now I?ll tell others what you will do
If they will repent and come unto you.
We?ll function together as a real team,
Reaching lost sinners who think they?re not seen.
?Thank you dear Jesus, for you have heard me,
Begging forgiveness so rich and so free.
Of your sweet gospel, others will I tell,
Knowing my destiny should have been hell.?
Copyright -Gil Frydell 3 April 1999
Calling It Like It Is
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To
help our five-year-old son with the trauma of his pet goldfish's
demise, I agreed he could take care of the goldfish any way he
wanted.Expecting him to give the goldfish a proper burial in our flower
garden, I was surprised to receive a call from our rural area's
postmaster.
"Could
you come over?" She asked. "I have something to show you." I headed
right over. "A lot is expected of the post office," she said, laughing,
"but this is the most amazing delivery we've ever been asked to make!"
On the outside of a business sized envelope printed in big blue capital
letters I recognized Ben's printing: To God from Ben. Inside the
envelope was a very flat, dead goldfish.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My
friend, Carolyn, was frustrated by how often her four-year-old son,
Brian, was getting dirty playing outside. At wit's end, she finally
said, "Brian, can't you play someplace where it's cleaner?" "If God
didn't want us to play in the dirt," Brian logically said, "why did he
make so much of it?" ~~~~
When
my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the
lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.
Still,
a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy
whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us
with flashlights."
Wrong Letter
Mr.
Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to
Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife,
Jennifer. Unfortunately, he made a typo on his addressing and the
e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher
who had just passed away.
The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.
When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message,
which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here."
SHE'S HAVING A BAD DAY
The
worried housewife sprung to the telephone when it rang and listened
with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" it
said. "What kind of a day are you having?"
"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had
such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down.
I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained
my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a
mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight."
The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she
said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an
hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner
for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know
who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop
crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the
office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."
"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"
"Why, George! Your husband!.................is this 223-1374?
"No..... It's 223-1375."
|
